"But You Don't Seem Like Someone Who'd Be Scared!"
Why that "always reliable" friend just ghosted you, and other tales of Expectation vs. Reality
Assumptions are dangerous little architects.
They build elaborate castles in the air. And like any good real estate fantasy, they're bound to come crashing down.
Let me tell you about my great unveiling as a certified scaredy-cat.
It happened at a haunted house attraction – not a real haunted house (I wouldn't be here to tell the tale), but one of those mall setups where minimum-wage ghosts in bedsheets earn their living by giving middle-class civilians minor heart attacks.
The economics of fear is a fascinating business model when you think about it.
"Why would we pay someone to scare us?" I protested, trying to sound philosophical rather than terrified.
"What are you scared of?" they teased.
"You don't seem like someone who'd be afraid!"
"Are you kidding? I sleep with the lights on when I'm alone!” (I tried to convince them)
They dragged me along anyway, my protests as effective as a paper umbrella in a hurricane.
I found myself wrestling with questions:
Did I need to live up to their image of me as the brave one?
Did I need to protect others who were secretly as scared as I was?
Or could I just be myself – a proud member of the "I never leave the bed to check out what was that sound in the kitchen" club?
Inside, I tried to rationalize: It's just darkness. Just spooky music. Just people in costumes who probably had their morning coffee at the same mall food court where I got mine.
I'll be fine.
I was in fact NOT fine.
What followed was a masterclass in chaos.
We shouted at shadows, grabbed at anything that moved (including, at one point, a fake plant), and abandoned all pretense of courage.
The friends who had cast me as their protector instead witnessed me providing a running commentary of terror ("OH GOD OH GOD THAT'S DEFINITELY A REAL GHOST"), yelling at someone in a skeleton costume ("YOUR DENTAL WORK IS TERRIFYING!"), and sprinting toward the exit like I was qualifying for the Olympics.
Their idea of who I was shattered that day, along with my dignity and any chance of them ever taking me seriously in a crisis.
It wasn't the first time my perceived image crumbled, and it wouldn't be the last.
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Over the years, I've learned to be upfront about who I am – whether I'm scared, nervous, unsure, or confident. Some people accept this reality while some expressed their disappointment, as if I've broken an unspoken contract.
We cast people in roles based on our first impressions, their appearance, or that one time they handled a situation well.
Look around at your own expectations of others.
Do you expect your introverted friend to suddenly become a party planner because they organized one successful game night in 2019?
Are you waiting for your colleague to read your mind about your preferred communication style?
These expectations aren't just about big moments – they creep into our daily interactions too.
We expect immediate responses to messages because someone usually replies quickly.
We assume a friend will handle a situation the same way they did last time.
We build entire relationships with versions of people that don't actually exist.
The truth is, people are wonderfully, frustratingly inconsistent.
We're all just improvising our way through life, occasionally breaking character, forgetting our lines, and sometimes delivering performances nobody expected – for better or worse.
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We get so attached to our version of people that when they don't match it, we feel almost betrayed.
Like that friend who was super outgoing in college? The one who organized all the parties and knew everyone? Now they prefer quiet dinners at home and early nights in. Every time you try to drag them to a big gathering, they seem "off" or "different."
But are they really different, or did they just outgrow that version of themselves?
Or take my cousin – everyone's favorite "tech guru" because they fixed someone's WiFi once in 2018. Now the whole family sends them everything from broken toasters to malfunctioning microwaves. The poor soul actually works in marketing and learned that one WiFi trick from YouTube!
These mismatched expectations pop up everywhere:
That "always reliable" friend who's now a new parent and can't reply to messages for days
The "tough cookie" colleague who tears up during appraisal meetings (hey, that's me!)
Your "party animal" roommate who's discovered they actually love gardening and goes to bed at 9 PM
The "disorganized" sibling who suddenly gets really into bullet journaling and proves everyone wrong
And it goes both ways!
Just as we need to update our image of others, we need to help people update their image of us.
Remember that haunted house? After that incident, I started being more open about my fears. "Hey, just so you know, I'm actually terrible with horror movies" or "Heads up, I might look calm, but I'm freaking out inside!"
Some people got it immediately. Others needed time to rewire their mental image of me. A few still try to drag me to scary movies because "you don't seem like someone who'd be scared." (oh they’ll find out when I scream through it)
“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself”
- Rita Mae Brown
The funny thing is, once you start letting go of these fixed images of people, life gets way less disappointing. People can surprise you in good ways too!
That "always serious" coworker might crack the best jokes.
The "shy" friend might give the most heartfelt wedding speech.
Maybe the real magic happens when we let people be people – messy, changing, surprising, and real.
Even if that means watching your 'super chill' colleague (hi, it's me again) send calendar invites 15 minutes before their actual meeting time just to make sure everyone shows up on time.
Because at the end of the day, isn't it better to know and love the real person than the perfect character we made up in our heads?
"This Isn't Like You!" (Says Who?)
Pause before assuming someone's reaction or behaviour
Expect people to evolve and change
Recognize that your version of them isn't complete
Share your own changes openly
Observe without judgment
Normalize updating your perspective of others
Reflect & Rewrite
Now, I’d love to know from you:
Take a moment to reflect and write this down in your journal (or comment below or email me privately):
Which friend has changed the most in the past year, and have you fully accepted this change?
When was the last time you said "that's just not me anymore" to someone?
What image are you trying to maintain that's exhausting you?
Write back with your thoughts because I truly want to hear what you think!✨
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